I used to dismiss quotes like this because I had never found peace in God, and it was not for lack of trying.
My prayer is that the following rambling make sense to someone who thinks they’ve lost all hope and encourages you to hold on one more day, week, month or year if that is what it takes. Because if there ever was a hopeless, broken soul transformed to a joyous peaceful one through a mystical, inexplicable, incomprehensible acquiring of faith that seemed to grow from nothing out of nowhere, it is me. And if I can crumble into 1000 pieces & then melt back into a new person built from faith with a greater peace than I ever thought possible, so can you.
Can we always expect to have peace of mind through God if we just get on our knees, fold our hands, bow our head, read the Bible, practice yoga, meditate, and do good deeds? They are great things to do, and I still do all of them, but it wasn’t that simple for me.
In hindsight, I certainly see things I could have done differently that may have helped foster my faith and peace, but honestly I’m not sure that all the right works and all the will in the world would’ve brought me to where I am any sooner.
I definitely not sure, but I do wonder if maybe sometimes even faith is on God’s timing 🤷♀️
That’s my story anyway. Lifelong depression and a divine & seemingly never-ending set of painful circumstances put me on a LONG path of self discovery, and somewhere I lost the faith I thought I had – unworthy, broken, defeated and apathetic.
But apparently there was 1 shred of hope I didn’t even know I had left, and God used it to build a deep well of faith and frankly and entirely new person. And while it was on His start time, when it started, it happened Quickly. One day I woke up and that elusive faith and trust was integrated into every single cell of my body. It was a profound experience and is ever evolving.
The faith I thought I had before, I never really had — maybe I just WANTED it so badly that I had somehow convinced myself I had it? I do know that I was definitely confused by its elusive & hard to conceptualize nature, and I was definitely severely limited by fear and the illusion of control. But I couldn’t see any of that then.
Ever thought you knew something until you actually knew it & realized you didn’t really know it before?
I see that believing, faith, and trust were not the same for me. I believed that everything happens for a reason, I had faith in God, but I didn’t trust any of it was happening for my benefit because I couldn’t see past the pain, and I didn’t think I could take any more without breaking. I didn’t know that breaking was an essential part of my story that would lead to the most beautiful things on the other side. I didn’t realize the pain had a PURPOSE — that one day I would get to use it for good!
It’s really a miraculous inexplicable thing that happened, so it was difficult to put into words, and the words don’t even halfway covey the magnitude of the experience, but thanks for sticking around to read them.
My story is still being written. My faith is still growing and my relationship with and understanding of God is ever-evolving. I can’t wait to see what He has in store for me next! I know there will be more painful moments to come…I just hope that when they come I will remember this experience — that growth and transformation come through my pain as does the ability to help the person who struggles after me.
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